Till Death Do Yah Part?

I’ve been plagued by the thought of marriage lately. It seems at every possibility someone in my family brings up the prospect of me entering into nuptial confines and then reproducing and wondering out loud when such a time will come. I’ve said it for years and I say it now: I am not getting married nor having children.

Mostly I’ve been dwelling on the subject because a young woman very close to me has decided that she would like to marry a man that she has met while visiting another country. They have known each other but a scant half a year and are supposedly in love with one another. She has only dated a couple of guys over the past few years and neither were serious. Now she plans to marry a man almost a decade her senior, live with him in a foreign country, leave everyone she knows behind, bear children and become a housewife as soon as possible. I know that it is blatantly obvious that I am a devoted feminist but I wholeheartedly commend women who decide to let their primary concerns rest within their own households and children. It is a very difficult decision to make and I applaud women that make it. I’ve met women who have told me that having and raising children has been a lifelong desire and they could not be happier having the ability to do so. They’ve obtained their dream jobs, so who am I to judge their work?

I am, however, at odds with such a young woman leaving all she knows behind for someone she barely knows. Going through numerous bad relationships, I have learned that when its good, its good and when its bad, its fucking horrible. I would never claim to be worldlier in love than another, but I do know that statistically the younger women and men marry the more likely they are to divorce. I’m concerned for her well-being and it would break my heart to see her unhappy and in some kind of situation that she would not easily be able to get out of. I understand that she has always wanted to get married and have children and that her dream job is indeed mother and home keeper. I just wonder if she could possibly slow down the process!

I don’t understand why people want to rush into things at top speed. If you are in love with someone and honestly want to spend the rest of your life with that person, then why make such slapdash decisions? What is so appealing about marriage, honestly? Why can’t a couple live together under an understood bond that should not be broken? Why do people feel that the only way to express their utmost love for someone is a state-sanctioned relationship? I have a few ideas.

Why people get married:
1. Pressures from family and friends.
2. Societal expectations and the fear of being ostracized.
3. Proving their love for one another.
4. Tax benefits.

1. I think I’m affected by this one the most. My family has a history of ugly, torn marriages and ruptured living situations, but somehow the issue of getting married has still been pushed upon me. After 20 years of such subjugation, I have finally found that the only minuscule desire I ever had to get married was because I was imbibed and socialized to believe that marriage is the only way to have a legitimate adult relationship with a partner. If you’re raised to believe something to such a degree, it can be very difficult to shy away from such a thing. Especially if it is endorsed by society at large, which bleeds into the next reason. Also, one may feel more pressured to couple up with another if all of their close friends are doing so. I have not had the joy of feeling like all of my friends are getting married off so that I should as well, but I know many people have felt very uncomfortable by being surrounded with (seemingly) perfect, content couples.

2. Many people believe (because of morals, values, religious beliefs, etc.) that living and/or procreating with someone out of wedlock is fundamentally unacceptable, and by entering into marriage, their action is somehow justified and their consciences are cleared of any wrongdoings. They may be concerned that others may see them in a bad light because of the ‘unofficial’ status of their partnership. Let’s not forget the massive wedding industry, which rakes in $70 billion annually from happy couples wishing to get hitched in an elaborate, flashy array of table linens, fresh flowers and horrendously colored bridesmaid dresses. There is no doubt about it; the idea of a wedding is almost exclusively catered to women. A wedding day represents one in which a woman can feel pampered, like the star of the show, and have everything her way. Wedding planners are hired to ease this process as well as serve as confirmatory opinion that the service will indeed be spectacular. All the magazines, movies, and television shows are targeted towards making a personal statement of love into a commercial process to be made money off of. As a related story, it has been noted that recognizing gay marriages would also add an additional $16.8 billion to the industry.

3. We all know the stereotype of women fawning over the idea of being swept off of her feet by a prince charming and being married to him. We are also aware of the stereotype of the eternal male bachelor, dreading the idea of marriage and hating it even more after continuing to do so. Does this mean that women pressure men into getting married? Do men feel obligated to marry their female counterparts? Maybe. At a point, a couple may feel like they have no where else to go but take it to the next level and enter into the binds of marriage. Shit or get off the pot, you know? I am still iffy about this reason and see it as being a front for one of the other 3 stated reasons.

4. I mean, really. It sounds like a humorous joke but I’m sure some people go for it. I know a couple who has actually refrained from marriage because they receive a higher amount of welfare for their 3 children. They have other reasons but this is a major benefit for them. I think it could go the other way, then. In the film ‘I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry’ the back story is that Kevin James and Adam Sandler pretend to be in a domestic partnership in order for James’ pension to be switched over to his children since his wife has passed a few years prior. This may be an uncommon situation but in a time of a ravaged economic status in the US, people may go to great lengths to stay afloat.

Personally, I feel no pressure from any of the aforementioned reasons to get married. If I find someone that I would like to spend the rest of my life with, I will do so without having to pay the state for a piece of paper noting our status. I dislike marriage because it is withheld from same-sex couples and even if I did want to marry, I would not do so unless this supposed civil right applies to all persons regardless of orientation. I dislike marriage because it goes along with the belief that humans are naturally monogamous and all persons have soul mates. I dislike marriage because I have had difficult enough breakups and never want to know what a crushing divorce would be like. I dislike marriage because it brings with it the ideal that people will be less likely to cheat on their spouses. I dislike marriage because I would henceforth be expected to have kids after becoming wed and I refuse to voluntarily enter into a whole nother slew of societal and familial pressures.

Marriage isn’t for me. I want to have my own career and travel the entire globe. If someone would love me to the point that they would want to spend copious amounts of time with me, then they will come with me. Don’t even get me started on kids, either. If I would have them, I’d pull an Angelina Jolie and adopt. 4,000 children die per hour just from starvation. Why would I choose to bring a separate life into this world instead of saving one already existing?

“Marriage is a wonderful institution… but who wants to live in an institution?”
- Groucho Marx